please just tell me your name, mister.

Monday, April 30, 2007

everyone wants a bangkok revolution. new wardrobe, cheap drinks and trannys without bras. (CASS, LIZA, DENZIL, VICTOR, RANON. . you all get what i mean)

i'm excited for december cass!
i already have post exam plans -

83 hours til the end of exams;
107 hours til mid summer night's dream;
131 hours until the post exam party at mine.

(i hear cass's voice, CONCENTRATE)

scissors.
pape-
r
(sss)
tone;

i don't know what it'd be,

but for sure,
it'd be three on three/

love. pictures will be up soon, when a certain R comes back from drunken stupor part 985749847383947.

she waxed lyrical - 9:07 PM

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Thursday, April 26, 2007

fingers move up and down
those ebony and ivory keys
and your ears hear -
a melancholic melody.

don't get me wrong. i'm not in an emo i-want-to-slit-my-wrists state. punch a wall or break something, maybe. i wish i could map my mind out, have specific longitudinal and lattitudinal references for each thought so i don't get all tangled up so often.

the past always haunts us although we might say that it's forgotten. my pubescent years were a mess, and i'm afraid to step back onto that rollercoaster. No doubt it did take me through my highest highs, but also my lowest lows.

what i'd take from it if i could, was that ruthless confidence that i had. perhaps it was an exaggerated act to mask my insecurities. I've become the girl who plays it safe. I don't want to take the shortcut and stumble only to inflict the same pain upon myself. I'd rather endure the drudgery of the longer, more tiring alternative route.

This has been pointless rambling. Ignore.

she waxed lyrical - 11:19 PM

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Ryan is the most amazing choreographer and instructor EVER. Never cast doubt on his works. CJ SYF was spectacular. I was in awe. Truly a visual spectacle. Congratulations.

I'm finally getting into the studying mode. I cannot let my insecurities get the better of me. It sucks to be second best, really.

Retreat. Should I raise the white flag? And only to regret it later?

Thanks Jenna, Cass, Mike for hearing me out.

We think we know full well of the consequences of our actions, but do we really? The failure in judgment is a great tragedy, but it's a risk that we eventually need to take. A very calculated one. This is the most agonizing solitary activity.

she waxed lyrical - 1:13 AM

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Sunday, April 22, 2007

i've lost my bearings
i don't know where i am
lead me by your hand
guide me through this strange land
so that i may find my way back home

exams, exams, exams. i've suddenly lost the drive to study. my mind is so cluttered. i lie in bed all night struggling to sleep. and my eyes finally give way when the sun rises. it's painful. i hate phases of insomnia.

the mtec course is extremely useful. thank you yongzhi for taking time out, and being so patient. we recorded a bossa track yesterday. although i have no clue what or how to play, my fingers just moved with the groove, along the whites and blacks on the keyboard. it was liberating. if only we did that all night, then maybe i wouldnt have felt so. . . . it's not the emo phase. it's just a moment you cannot pin down with words; indescribable. you think and think and think. and you realise that really, you're on your own. anything real is frightening.

i guess gymming helps me let all that out. alot. but how frustrating to know that even though you've let out all that emotion, the back of your mind is still occupied. RAHRR. i need to break something or punch someone. no, i won't shoot. haha.

cass: yes, pineapples, salad and chicken breasts. they're delicious treats! (do not roll your eyes here) haha.

she waxed lyrical - 1:32 PM

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Friday, April 20, 2007

i'm pulling at the strings not knowing where my fingers would end up, or where the strings might end. i'm pulling them in random sequences. when i close my eyes, the pleasure of running my fingers in that upward motion is inexplicable. nevermind the occasional cuts from friction. my fingers are ceaselessly pulling. they don't get weary. i can't see the end, i have no idea where my fingers are going. they just pull and pull and pull...
and i'm hooked.

she waxed lyrical - 5:48 PM

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Monday, April 16, 2007

I'm walking on a tight-rope.
I'm in limbo.

she waxed lyrical - 3:08 PM

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Friday, April 13, 2007

have i mentioned how much i love my dance mates??

jenna: the hair-raising crazy woman

cass: screamy high pitched voice

claud: miss smally

liza: mighty washboard abs

victor: CHEW-y. (although i don't know what that's supposed to mean)

weijie: he pops like his body's dislocated.

luke: the indie boy.

In a collective, they make me trippy. Understatement. They could make my sun rise from the west. Brooklyn Rock at DXO last weekend was crazy. It was amazing being surrounded by people who can dance. That's a rarity for clubs in Singapore. O School's performance was SMASHING. Surely, it was a night to remember.

I've been held up with essay datelines and tests the past few weeks. Thank goodness the dateline for the Renaissance paper was extended until today. I mulled over and re-did the essay 3 times over the week. Thanks Ramona, for all the help. I am crazy in that sense, i suppose. Competitiveness is good. :) Plus, it's not like I didn't have time. With all that out of the way, it's time for revision. I fear for my grades this semester. Cass, i had a wonderful time studying with you. Don't forget Monday okay? love.

For now, it's back to slumberland.

she waxed lyrical - 3:59 PM

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Thursday, April 05, 2007

i've sacrificed my passion for i-don't-know-what. i thought not having the time was a valid excuse, but it made me feel worse. it's been eating me up, these past 6 months. so, i've made it a point. o school, here i come again.

i thought i threw in the towel because school work was overwhelming. apparently not. i have no clue what it was either. not dancing was killing me. i felt no desire to dance without my old team, without ryan. pride and the lack of confidence, perhaps. deep down, i knew i'd never be as good as i wished. and so maybe i thought all this was futile. nevermind now, because i'm back. hopefully it'd revive me.

i'm still struggling. YOU. i'm begging to be free. please. it's been too long. just do something to hurt me. make me hate you. NO! make me indifferent. make yourself not matter to me. because i can't do it alone. the tears have ended, and so has the sorrow. the pain is morbid. i'm holding out fine now; coming to terms that i'd never stop loving you. yet it isn't fair to ask you to do the same. you've moved on, haven't you?
well, i guess that'd do for now. when i break, we'll see what happens then. well, you wanted to help me, no?

sometimes i wished i had carried on that wonky life. not turned into someone so practica, and skepticall. then at least i'd live for the moment. be happy there and then; there'd be no past, present or future. each day would be new. now, that would be nice.

she waxed lyrical - 2:14 AM

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

we'd stand on the promenade out in the rain.

let us be the present tense.
even if it's just for one second.

you've cut off your end of the leash
and the remaining bits are still around my neck.

you were the best thing that ever happened to me. i've tried to let go. maybe tried too hard. it's absurd, really. but i know it'll never happen.

i'll be your tormented soul; under your spell
forever.

she waxed lyrical - 6:04 PM

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