please just tell me your name, mister.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

you know something has gone wrong with your system when you cannot sleep at 0333 hours, even though your system is close to shutting down. you know that you're in danger when you toss and turn for 2 hours, thinking. you know that you're alone when the only comfort you have is your pillow, and perhaps a box of kleenex beside you.

b r e a k - d o w n

and then you come online, someone tells you that cough syrup helps. you smile, knowing that people care; macabre humour maybe.

or do you smile because you know what an overdose might do?

s h i p - w r e c k e d .

don't assume i'd always be here. some day, i might just fly away to someplace else. it's always the same old story. the world's moving on too fast and we all have our collection of masks. knowing you, knowing me. will that ever happen.

mike; i've said this over and over, thank you, for everything.

jen; chin up. i'll see you in a few hours'.

rohai; things will get better. for me to be saying this in such a state, it must really mean something. i'm a phone call away. remember.

and to you, you and you; i haven't decided to stop caring. but when i do, don't come running after me.

she waxed lyrical - 3:29 AM

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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

because i've been too emo lately, according to my friends. i shall zip it up and post pictures of my bumming lifestyle. being unemployed is a bliss. being financially unsound isn't.

at the pullshapes/misshapes dressed to impress party at home! :))

he whose bitchiness keeps me going

he who keeps my diet in check

them, who engage in intellectual discussions beyond my understanding.

i'd like you to meet them;

mr gee who does the shuffle

undergoing transformation. let's bounce, shall we?

gym bud-deh

fashion whore

c'est moi. :)

and i love them, for loving me.

at ranon's birthday bash

the 20 year old boy.

daniel, ranon, qian.

cass, are we the girls' wing of RCK. lol.

you all know her.

darling, we have thick lips and we go wayyy back <3.

the night was made bearable because of all of you.

she waxed lyrical - 12:06 AM

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

results were, well, unexpected, in a bad sense. for the next two years, i shall be a closet mugger. hear that, rohai and iliyas. the modules i took this sem, were irrationally picked, and definitely challenging. i felt i did my best. there were some modules i was incredibly impressed with, but for the ones i should've gotten that A and didnt, well, i was terribly disappointed.

as you follow entry after entry, you might have already guessed i'm quite a wreck now. and last night did nothing to salvage it. before i go on to expound on this tragedy,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANON LI! :) SORRY FOR THE MESS I CREATED. MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED 20th.

okay, so moving on, first was dad's birthday dinner at the club. for some reason, dad and the brother weren't in too good moods. so we ended dinner pretty early, and i thought i might as well kill time over at cass's. and then the brother decided that he wanted to head down to kino. so cass's was a no show. fortunately, sara was in town. met up with her for abit. made my way to mos, only to realise i left my ic at home. great.

so i cabbed back home and told the driver to wait for me. grabbed ranon's present at the same time, and cabbed back to mos. so far, so good. i got out of the cab, fished for my ic, and realised it's dropped out of the bag, onto the seat. i chased the cab for a million miles, ran in puddles of mud, and it drove away in the distance. worst, other yellow taxis were cutting in and out of the lane that made it difficult to trace which cab was mine. my next best alternative, to call the lost and found. i was put on hold for 10 over minutes, and i finally gave up. who says rock bottom cannot go any lower?

i was hesitant about attending the party. but i went anyway, because it was ranon's birthday and i needed to get my mind off things. but there's one thing i've come to realise. if you don't feel good about it, don't do it.

now, i'm an illegal immigrant, because i lost my nus student ez link card a couple of weeks ago and now my ic. talk about the worst karma one could get. my bank account is dry, and i don't have an ez link card or ic. i'm home bound.

she waxed lyrical - 2:35 PM

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Saturday, May 26, 2007

there are many sayings to encourage. that's clearly an understatement. 'when you're down, the only other way you can go is up' is one of those many sayings that sticks with me. well, it's precisely the strength it takes for us to gather that upward momentum that needs consideration, don't you think. but somehow, it never fails to give me the added push i might need. i don't know how many more pushes i'd need before things turn around. i'm not sorted out as yet. i thought i was. alone time has been good, if you choose not to consider the pointless and silly thoughts that run through my head every milisecond. yea, it's been quite ... peaceful?

she waxed lyrical - 12:13 AM

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

you said, to the left, to the left. . .
and turned around to walk
the other way.

To the left
To the left

To the left
To the left

Mmmm to the left, to the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, that's my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby, please don't touch

And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And it's my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags, let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think
I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard, telling me
How I'm such a fool, talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?

So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing?
Nothing at all to you
Baby I won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
'Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

To the left, to the left.
To the left, to the left.
Mmmmm
To the left, to the left.
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left, to the left.
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking
You're irreplaceable?

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'?
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute

You can pack all your bags we're finished
'Cause you made your bed now lay in it
I could have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable?

i don't post lyrics much, but i suppose this song means more than its words. it's irreplaceable.

she waxed lyrical - 1:38 PM

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I am moody, messy
I get restless, and it's senseless.

life's such a screw up. this is childish. mindgames are. niceness only leaves you broken. that's what it's like, really. i need to regain independence, like it was before. now i'm just like the others. pathetic. helpless; like a doll. i hate it. i accept those reasons, excuses or whatever they may be, because well, what else is there to say that will not make me look more stupid. i nod in agreement, and smile graciously because i'm supposed to play it cool, remember? i need ... i don't even know what i need anymore. my mind's in fragments.

most of all, i'm afraid of returning to that horrible, haunting past. the past that gives the illusion of comfort.

pick up those pieces of me.

she waxed lyrical - 6:37 PM

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when nostalgia from childhood hits me, i dig through the cupboards for those old photographs from kindergarden, dust off the covers, and flip them open. when nostalgia from 2004 and beyond hits, well, i go to imagestation.com. i am compelled to print out all the photographs. something tells me that the internet isn't trustworthy.

i could relive college life all over again, really. it's wonderful. i miss everyone. everything that made the school what it was. i dread growing up. i hate the mindgames we have to play. i crave for the noise in the canteen, for teachers to stop me in my tracks just because the skirt was an inich too short. time, may you rewind. go back to those golden years. i don't mind doing the marikita at 730am every morning. i really don't.

she waxed lyrical - 1:03 AM

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

finally, photos!

home club virgins

daniel :)

saturday at cass's

as ranon puts it, chew-yyyyyyy!

boys

girls

us; happy birthday claud!

ranon

love love!

for no particular reason, "to the left, to the left" and "you must not know 'bout me" of beyonce's irreplaceable are stuck in my head. i didn't pay much attention to the lyrics that followed, until about 2 hours ago. and then i smiled to myself. but still, it's funny that i'd smile to myself just by humming "to the left, to the left".

i know that the puzzle pieces will eventually fit. the sooner the better. meanwhile, there's not too much to groan about. i've almost nearly sorted out my thoughts. i need to hibernate for awhile, maybe.

she waxed lyrical - 1:09 AM

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Friday, May 18, 2007

i logged in and out of blogger several times over the last few days, in contemplation of what to write. something hit me; friendship. and at this point you (my reader) would normally either get a sense of love, or a sense of tragedy. maybe. but more than anything, it's guilt that pushes my fingers to type away furiously at the keypad.

mambo on wednesday taught me something. i am capable of being terribly selfish. i am ashamed for ditching my friend(s) out in the open sea. no matter how silly friends behave, no matter how much you feel like throwing them a punch, it just isn't right to walk out. tolerance. i need more of that. right. i don't owe them anything; the build up of anger and frustration. the breaking point. these justifications do not suffice. even if my good intentions remain unappreciated, even if... there are no even ifs. walking out wasn't right. i am not proud of it.

photos will be up soon.

she waxed lyrical - 10:58 PM

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

today was uncannily busy. i'm starting to train for the standard chartered marathon. i think it might help me keep my discipline to work out. initially intended tan after the workout, but the sun was hiding behind the clouds. waited to jenna to pop over. so much for wanting to work on abs. ended up chilling. i had to help mum prepare food for dinner, so didn't get to talk to that woman much. but i suppose it's the company that really counts. rush rush. made my way to town to meet ranon, to return his beloved black cap, and bulletin. caught priceless. i was in love with audrey tatou before, but this movie takes my adoration for her to a whole new level. everything about it was fabulous. it wasn't to sappy, nor too slapstick. the right amounts of comedy and romance, and of course the exquisite champagnes and clothes. ahhh. wonderful.

something embarrassing happened. let's just say i lost my ezlink card. the nus one. so tomorrow i've to make a trip downtown to look for it. hopefully it's at the lost and found at lido. i am 100% sure i left it there. oh bother. why am i so careless. sigh. it's another busy day tomorrow. see, being unemployed is not so boring after all.

she waxed lyrical - 11:19 PM

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i am quite happily unemployed. it gets boring in the day, and you marvel at how time pasts so slowly. but you're also pretty glad that you have that many more hours to spare. to do the things you'd normally like to do, and never had the time to. i need money to travel. that's all. getting out of the country for abit would be good for me. even if i were to go alone, i wouldn't mind.

she waxed lyrical - 12:23 AM

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Monday, May 14, 2007

i don't know where to begin. it's been a rough patch, but it's getting smoother. missed out on nouvelle vague and spent saturday night at cass's place instead, with food from chomp chomp and alot of cam-whoring. especially of victor hooked onto youtube's battlefield videos. ended up friendster surfing for abit, and realised that there was a retarded coincidence of messages. ridiculous. tomorrow's monday. there are afew loose ends to tie up; errands. i've put them off for a couple of days, and now it's time to face the dreaded moment. i'm so bad at rejecting people, and i keep apologising. to which, my dearest friends become annoyed with.

parties induce that ecstatic high; and we all know it's an intentional mirage. it dangerously captivates us, and makes us believe. it deliberately lures us to come back for more. do we really have so much excess baggage that we need parties for us to feel overjoyed? is forgetting and losing ourselves the essence of life? because only when we forget, can we move on. but truly, how can one forget memories, when it nags at us like a chronic ache. memories, experiences - the past. essentially, this is what we're made of. that's why we're who we are now. different from before. or maybe the same, because we choose to be caught up in that chaotic frenzy. a futile attempt at best in pursuit of happiness.

she waxed lyrical - 12:12 AM

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Saturday, May 12, 2007

i feel so drained from everything. i've been rather grumpy of late, rather teary-eyed. i cannot thank those who've tolerated my rants enough. i can only promise that i'd be there when you need me. i was absolutely zonked out after mambo on wednesday. yet i had to drag myself out of bed to meet siva for lunch, then amar for dinner. had a nice time catching up. by the end of the day, i was dead.

usual friday nights at beat. some interesting tracks were dropped. it slipped my mind that plain sunset were playing at home club. i missed them. what a waste. cass, denzil and daniel came along. it was their first indie night. i had a feeling they were bored. cass said it was interesting, denzil liked 2 songs. haha. sorry for making you guys wait, wait and wait for me to 'finish' bobbing my head. bumped into ian and toby. i sang my lungs out to the usual and not-so-usual tunes all the same. i immersed myself into the drum beats, and jumped around so much it was almost as if i was doing a cardio work out. i flung my hair and waved my arms just as everyone else did. i clapped my hands in sync with the djs, and i felt ecstatic. i wanted to forget it all, but i was close to tears.

"looks like it all went wrong...what am i to do, what am i to do..."
"i just wanted to hold...you in my arms..."
"in the morning, you know you won't remember a thing. in the morning, you that it's gonna be alright"
"don't let the sun, be the one, to change you baby..."

nouvelle vague's playing at zouk later. a friend describes it as sexy and dangerous. hah. i don't quite feel like going. but i'm afraid that if i stayed home, i'd just go mad. i'm not walking away because should anything happen, i'd blame myself for giving up too early.

on a lighter note, i need to find that blog. amidst the vast, infinite spaces of the world wide web. where do i start.

she waxed lyrical - 3:37 PM

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

life has been excellent, and something's holding me back from taking it all in. too much fun spells trouble. i haven't been to mambo in a long long time. and i'm still trying to recover from this awkward trippy emotion. it's weird. last night was the bomb. champagne makes the world go round, and rohai provides wonderful entertainment while we wait for our pratas. of all people, i asked someone tipsy to get me from across the road. hell, what was i thinking. i miss last night. not many photos though, but many great people :)

she waxed lyrical - 11:49 PM

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

"what happens when you cross a fish and an elephant?"

"swimming trunks."

i need that kind of humour right now.

she waxed lyrical - 2:37 PM

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today was a long long day. met jenna at vivocity for a window shopping session. jenna, trying on clothes is not 'no harm' okay. it has ALOT of harm. especially towards our pockets. eyed so many things, most of all, this pretty dress from topshop and forever 21. it's still in the reservation bag. i need to get a loan from the parents first though. somehow i don't quite like the holidays. apart from spending cravings, we also talked alot. i will need that shoulder, but i will also need that slap from you. a million, if need be. thank you for everything.

rushed to town to meet fio and iliyas to exchange books. well, not really, because i only brought one book, and i was rushing out of the house. sorry iliyas. some other time okay? thanks for the reads though. sat at starbucks liat for 5 hours, thereabouts. talked about random things, random logics that makes you think, but at the same time cannot think about. okay, i do not make sense. here goes some quotable quotes.

"the grass is greener on the other side. but i do not like the colour green." we had an entire argument on this statement, which iliyas thought didn't make sense (irony) because then you'd just be happy in your own place, and not want to cross over. or as he says, can move backwords to a lesser green space. then it was modified to "the grass is greener on the other side, but i like the colour blue" but you see, this doesnt mean that you dislike the colour green. to make it more complete, or at least attempt to, we combined all of it: the grass is greener on the other side. i do not like green. i like blue. hahh.

and then we moved on to argue about the existence of a place, that requires the subject-object dichotomy. where subjects are meant to be things that sort of demarcate a space. hence a place will not be a place without the subjects. another big argument.

this went on, and on, and on. until rohai finally arrived. note. he meant to arrive at 9, but being his diva self, only made his appearance at 10. i had alot of fun. just talking about more random things. i needed to crack up. thanks for the company guys. i cannot wait for mambo tomorrow.

yes. and i am walking in circles. i am pacing up and down. sometimes 4 steps forwards, sometimes 4 steps back. where am i. i don't know. i refuse to know, perhaps. i get aggro sometimes, and indifferent at others. emotional spasms. i need to know, yet i refuse. thanks for all who've tried to help. all who've dispensed advice. i am a drama queen. take it easy. take it easy. breathe in. breathe out. yes, i'll be fine.

she waxed lyrical - 12:48 AM

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Monday, May 07, 2007

today was far from monday blues. michael, my official gym buddy came over for a gym session early in the morning. after that, we felt the sun call out to us, and decided to pop down for a tan. boy, did the sun not spare us. it was hot and bright, but nice. talked, ate and just chilled. if only we had an ice box with chilled beer. perfect. eventually, the later part of the afternoon sun set in, and tired us out. or maybe we were just tired from eating and gymming. isn't this the life? it was a slow but happy day. i choose to lay some issues aside for now. let things cool down for abit. :)

she waxed lyrical - 4:27 PM

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

i asked you to lead me by your hand,
but you could not oblige
so now i'll walk on my own,
to wherever i please.
do not come after me -
i don't know if you will,
because i want to walk away.

she waxed lyrical - 9:48 PM

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party week turned into disaster saturday. backtrack.

i wished Friday could last a lifetime and Saturday never came. Went out with the mother for a shopping spree in the morning. Bought a pair of pants, a nice black top, and a pair of Aldo shoes. Damn, i was trippy. But luck was also on my side. Sometimes, it's frustrating to walk around and find nothing. Headed home before rushing out to meet Ranon. Silly billy asked me to meet at city hall mrt, when the performing field was on the park mall side. We walked to Fort Canning, made one big round down to the other side. So there were two pathetic perspiring souls, having to stop at every juncture to navigate - US.

Midsummer Night's Dream wasn't fantastic. I'd give it A for effort, but nothing more. I wasn't blown away. I hated the postmodern and intertextual take on it, with the insertion of pop tunes. The lack of time period with regard to costume was another bummer for me. But the extensive, infinite space of the 'stage' was lovely. I loved the 'unintended signs' of people walking on the stage/wooden planks to get to their places. I was trying to make meaning of it. Yes. Semiotics. It's all part of the performance.

starlight starbright.

We made our way down to Home Club after the show. It took us another 20 minutes or so to find the shortest route down to park mall, because the staircases were conjested. Anyway, it was Ranon's first time for an indie night. I tend to get worried about people getting bored. But i guess he enjoyed himself. Bumped into so many dungeonites, the regulars and other people. Love the music. Love the people. Love the beer.

Disaster Saturday was only four hours away by the time i got home. Meant to wake up at 8, but i got up to a nagging voice of the mother at 10. Went to do some last minute grocery shopping and began my preparation for the night. I've never stood so long in the kitchen before, almost six hours. I cooked too much pasta, and now i'm probably stuck with it for the entire week. Here comes the carb overload. What was meant to be a birthday party became a drunken fest. There was no cake cutting, no surprise, no whipped cream frenzies.

Dinner was served and the boys started drinking Chivas. Cass's "no alcohol until after 10pm" threats did not work. Played some cards and drinking games. And by this time, many of the BOYS were high. My house was turned topsy turvy. The noise could be heard across the causeway, doors were being banged and a particular boy crashed in the showering tray in my toilet, then slid himself down my staircase. I say boy(s), with reference to those turning 20 this year. My other friends came one after another. I had to attend to them, and look after the drunktards, and clear the tables, wash up. I was at my wits' ends. Thank goodness for Chris, Cass, Liza and Denzil who kept my sanity. I'm glad Shaun, Noelle, Rohai, Josh, Iliyas, Miller and Ewan cracked me up when i was all about to cry. I hoped you all enjoyed the free 'entertainment'. I felt like a terrible host. By this time, there was one guy sleeping at my carpark downstairs with two guys attending to him, one guy in my room puking his guts out, and a bunch of people standing outside my gate just chilling. I couldn't offer them my company, and i felt extremely bad. So we splashed a particular someone with 10 pails of water, hauled him into the cab, and sent him home. He was a deadweight, and very very heavy. We had to drag him, barefoot, and half naked, into the cab.

I didn't finish clearing up until late, sat down and talked to cass, liza, chris and denzil for abit before they headed home. I broke down. I'm glad my parents spared me a lecture this morning. They asked some pretty silly questions, and they were pretty cool with what happened. I quote the mother, "it's okay if he's drunk, just don't behave like a barbarian. Just sit down quietly and rest."

she waxed lyrical - 2:10 PM

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Friday, May 04, 2007

today's the first time i've walked out of the exam hall before the paper ended, especially for a lit paper. this time i set my mind to finish writing before the actual time so i could leave earlier and not wait the dumb rituals of counting and tallying of scripts. hell, it was my last paper. those who've received panic phone calls from me, i applaud you for your patience. anyway, i could've written more, for sure. but it's that couldnt-be-botheredness that got in the way. hell, even wally stared at me like i was a freak, just because i finished a lit paper before the time it ended. no one finishes lit. hah. dinner at boat quay was a quiet affair, had a liberating mug of beer with iliyas before heading home. :)

i suddenly don't know what to do. i don't want to do anything, but one really cannot ever not do anything. even typing this pointless entry is doing something.

and so party week begins.

she waxed lyrical - 12:34 AM

(1) comments

Thursday, May 03, 2007

i am 6 and a 1/2 hours away from my last paper. i feel like chickening out. take an mc, or something. but, i also realise that im 8 and a 1/2 hours away to beginning my wild post exam campaign. you see, the nature of things is as such. if i don't sit for the most horrifying paper, i will have less of a passport for wild parties. the liberating quotient just wouldn't be as high.

i haven't studied. renaissance is not just about religion. really, they should rename it christian english renaissance. and since when has literature been one dimensional? when wally asks, any thoughts? he actually means, do you have anything more to support my views? seriously. this is one lit class where a second opinion is unappreciated. and now you know why i'm dreading the paper.

time creeps, time flies. i need it to creep so i can stuff as much information as i can into my tiny brain. i want it to fly because, well, it's the start of madness. :)

cass. . .you're my online lover. hah.

she waxed lyrical - 10:29 AM

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007

and so as promised, the pictures.

i'm loving the love

dancerrs

liza.me.ranon.victor.denzil

victor, desired?

fashion whores

we will last a lifetime

we love fairies and butterflies

she sizzles

wash hands, wash hands!

childish fantasies

three guys and a girl

all about the boobs and butts

when he was still sober

i am a rocker girl.roar.

i need some love

and some more gay photos. . .

i wouldn't want to be that piece of ice

so much for imitation

rAnOnNXx, VicTor CHeWzZzz and DenZil WoRzxX

what can i say

thanks for the loads of fun and the several other extras that came along

1. the pregnant woman imposter, who didnt wash her hands
2. the tranny without a bra
3. cat 1 cat 1
......... endless.

the theatre paper today was alright. i have a tendency to overwrite for the first question and then write rubbish for the second, because all my brain power has been exercised. ugh. i'm dreading tomorrow's paper. it'll mark the end of exams, but it'd also leave me with that gnawing feeling of frustration, and exasperation.

thursday, friday saturday. i cannot wait. i want this week to last a lifetime. :)

i want to quit school and sell ice cream.

she waxed lyrical - 7:58 PM

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