please just tell me your name, mister.

Monday, March 26, 2007

the presentations last week did not go quite as well as i envisioned. one kicked some serious ass, whilst the other was below par. i am competitive. VERY. and so i shall coop myself up in the library over the weekends from now on. it helps to be a tech noob and here's why. my humongous, old and ditsy laptop somehow can't connect to the school's network. and even my tech savvy friend gave up. so now, even if i do bring my laptop to school, i am inclined to actually work, as opposed to watching funny you-tube things or check out hot bOiX bOiZz on friendster (no, i don't actually do that). why not have it checked, you ask. well, i am lazy, remember? that, i do not deny.
so well, the past week has been AMAZING. a lot of great happenings. interpop's bring your own music event was also celest's farewell. i'm going to miss you babe.
Watched coppelia on friday - major catch up session with Cass and Jen. you girls know how much you mean to me. The ballet was breathtaking. The extensions, the turns, the humour, they all added up. But sometimes when I do watch dance performances, i become despaired - for not fighting hard enough at that time. I should've known. Dance was my life. I should never have given ballet up. Well, that's all in the past.
My 151 bus got into an accident last thursday. At the junction of Kent Ridge Drive. I was a starving girl standing in the rain, and the police took AGES. I am, however, thankful that no one was seriously hurt. Even the biker, even though he spun, he wasn't severely wounded. It was quite shocking actually. You know, the whole cliched notion of taking your life for granted? Well... I felt it right then.
Anyway, I'm a little disappointed. Watching the Clouds go By tickets are sold out on friday and wednesday. And i end class at 8pm on thursday. And I was so looking forward to it.

Daniel: thanks for posting and keeping up with my blog. i'll link you up soon. :)

she waxed lyrical - 8:29 PM

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

ME: I'm emo. Life sucks, i screwed up my essay, my test and...

FRIEND(S): Well, don't be. I'm sure everything will turn out fine. Anyway, that's been the case for the past ten weeks isn't it? Or rather, the past 20 years you've been living.
**Note: they are represented as a collective voice.

ME: (laughs)No, I don't know really. I think it's school. I used to get in and out this cycle all the time, but now it's just there. There's no exit sign. Maybe it's just life now in general. . .sort of meaningless.

FRIEND(S): You need a sense of purpose.

ME: I know. But I can't seem to find any. Most things just slip through my fingers afterawhile. After all, good things don't seem to last.

I need to deal with myself. I keep saying that, but I have no ~~energy~~ guts to. I can't face the realities of loss. It's a one-way track. Nothing gained, always some things lost. The most important things. You're there. You listen. You cry when they hurt almost as if you feel their heartbeat in sync with yours. And . . . you cry alone when you're hurting, because they have someone else.

I sound like a pathetic fool. Some emotional alcohol infested angsty teenage girl who needs regular therapy. No. I don't cut myself. Because I don't have guts, remember? I like people to be happy, no matter how painful. Even when I have to be the person to walk away, I don't mind. I take it all in one big breath and move on. Now, it's all coming back to me. Hurting. I know I'm not even in a position to rant. They are consequences. I should be old enough to deal with it. But when you know you're just never good enough and all your life, you'll just be second best. . .

People come, people go. You'd think they'd be there forever, because they'd promise you that. "Don't worry, I'll be here! You've got me."
And you tell yourself not to fall into that. You withdraw and put up these brick walls, and they hack into them. You give in. They walk away.

A call comes several months later. One of those "How've you been?" things.
And then who knows, the voicemail might greet them saying, "Hi, it's me. I'm not around anymore. I'm dead. Yes, I prepared this for you. I had no one."

I am a tragedy. So what.

In a game of hide and seek, the hider and seeker is alternated because it gets to tiring.

I wished I had the guts to maybe jump off the building into the crisp air and then land with a dying smile. Oh yes, and I'd leave that voicemail message too. Just in case.

she waxed lyrical - 9:32 PM

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Monday, March 12, 2007

Time needs to slow down. School seems to have just begun not long ago, and the end of the semester is nearing. I need more time to do more things; and not feel so old.
Sidenote, there's an insect flying around in my room. It resembles a mosquito but I'm quite sure it isn't. But all's the same; survival instinct - get it before it gets you. So I've been frantically clapping around my room for the past 15 minutes trying to kill the damn thing, but it always manages to escape. dammit. I bet the insect's probably laughing at me.
Grandpa's in the hospice care. And it pains me to not be able to cry or grief or anything like that. Indeed, there're many explanations for that; but really, i don't need them now, and i just want to be able to feel.
My liver's been overloaded with poison the past week and i need to sort myself out. the weird thing though, is that i don't actually want to. shrugs.

home club kids

legs baby, and a waist-less joe.

the not smiling joe

at the clinic when we were not so drunk

celeste and i

the deadly effects of 5-10

**tim: thanks :)

she waxed lyrical - 4:35 PM

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

the universal social dynamic thrives on irony, misconstrued ideals, and the worse of it all, consumerism. i'm actually very ashamed to be the victim of my own disdain. just think how media giants are buying up independent films, giving names to independent music which previously had no place. we all sell out. it's sickening. to be different is to be the same.
on another note, last sunday's new paper fell into my hands and there was this feature on an activist against trans-fat. looks like i have company. trans-fat kills. and labels should be put in place. STOP TRANS-FAT
anyhows, i met up with jenna for Paris Je T'aime this afternoon. I liked it. She didn't quite understand it, to say the least. It's an interpretative film (i think) and definitely not for anyone going for plot sequences or resolutions. i added three more cds to my collection, and so my sad-happy pyschological make-up leans toward :)

she waxed lyrical - 11:24 PM

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i meant to blog more often as of the last entry, but my thoughts are/were as convoluted as my intestines. that's when the backspace key becomes useful, as opposed to white out, liquid paper or blank-o. and you know, the green peace movement too. less paper wasted. (okay, this argument could take another turn but that's not the point)
so i chickened out and dropped the philosophy module, because the lazy bones spoke their peace. three essays over the mid-sem cum chinese new year break requires too much thought, perhaps even for socrates himself. well, maybe not. since he mopes around all day long finding things to talk about and then comes up with revoloutionary concepts; some interesting, and others no.
so i've been out and about again. by which i mean having late nights infested with gallons of alcohol. it's funny how vice(s) are the biggest money making stimuli. but then it's not quite so difficult to understand. after all eve ate of the fruit and coerced adam into doing the same thing. sometimes i wished only eve ate of the fruit. men wouldn't be so difficult then, would they?

daniel: erhh. sorry for the late reply. but which daniel are you? oops.

she waxed lyrical - 12:20 AM

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